12 steps - which are you on?

1 Corinthians 10:12-14
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

What are you addicted to? Really think about it. Everyone has that one thing that they wrestle with daily. Heck, some of us have a few things. But normally, there is one thing that you fight on a regular basis. What is it? And more importantly, are you winning the fight?

I know that I have things that I fight everyday. You can be addicted to anything. Just because you aren't scratching and living in the street with crack dust around your mouth, doesn't make you any less of an addict. Addictions come in all forms. Drugs, Sex, Alcohol, Shopping, Food, People, Negative thoughts, etc. All of these things can be addictions. All of these things are addictions. Are they yours? And if so, are they in check?

Do you understand what "in check" is? "In check" is defined by you having control over your addiction instead of your addiction having control over you. That doesn't mean that you don't still want your vice. It just means that you can say no to your vice. Your vice will always whisper to you. Your vice will always call your name. Always. That is the issue with the one vice. It will always call your name. What changes is that you no longer answer. Somedays you are super strong and will ignore your vice's callings with minimal effort. Other days, you will crave your vice like it is day 1 all over again. But this time you call someone and talk your way through the craving, before you fall back into its trap.

AA has developed a whole network of addiction services to help you kick your habits. All of their programs recognize that at times your addiction can be too much to bear and you have to "phone a friend" to get you through. Only the weak suffer in silence. The strong, the grounded, the winners know that when they are sinking, they need help. From God. From a friend. From someone. Because they know that whatever brief embarrassment that they may feel by asking for help is miniscule compared to the abyss they will be in if they allow the vice to regain control. Think about it: if you fell off a ship into the ocean and you couldn't swim, would you sink quietly to the bottom or would you wave your arms, scream, do whatever is necessary to have someone throw you a lifeline? I hope you'd choose the lifeline.

The 12 Steps (from 12steps.org)

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Remember that each time you beat back your vice, you gain power. You gain strength. You gain one more day in control.

James 1:2-3
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

As I said before, we all have a vice. Did you define yours? That is the first step. I promise the first is the hardest. After that, it gets easier. Try it.

Isaiah 40:29-31

A friend sent me this scripture to meditate on.. I love her for that. It is such a blessing and too much to keep to myself. God helps you so that you can help others, right?

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tires and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Run on, my friends. Run on.

I would never...

"If I were them, I would..."
"I couldn't be a slave. They would have just had to kill me."
"They should just..."

Have you ever heard someone use these statements? Have you ever used this type of language? I know that I have. I have heard historical situations of personal scenarios and thought, "whew, that couldn't be me."

Now, have you ever had to eat those words? I have.

Teens are really guilty of this. While watching "Eyes on the Prize," former students always talk about what they would have done during the lunch counter sit-ins? Many have said that they would not have let anyone beat on them without fighting back. And I have to call them on that statement. You never know what you will do in someone else's shoes. With a different time frame, a different moment in history, a different paradigm, you don't know how you will react.

Even when watching some of the worst stories on the news, I am no longer one to say that couldn't be me. This is a recent shift. Instead I am now thankful that it isn't me. That God is keeping me sane and my mind renewed. Instead I am grateful for His mercy.

Believe me. If you say "i would never do XYZ," you will definitely be tested with XYZ. Remember that. And after you go through it, take a deep breath and see if you withstood your own criticism. If you did, great! You know yourself well. But if you didn't, great! You had room to grow and did.

Searching for God

*****Two quick disclaimers: #1. This idea was sparked by a blog post on http://traceymichaellewis.blogspot.com/. #2:I am a fan of Alice Walker's books, The Color Purple, The Possessing the Secret of Joy, & Temple of My Familiar. I am also a fan of Brenda Russell. A combo of the two is divine.****

From The Color Purple - The Musical.

GOD IS INSIDE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH GOD.
BUT ONLY THEM WHO LOOK INSIDE FIND IT.
GOD IS THE FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE TRUTH SO REAL,
AND WHEN YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU FEEL, YOU'VE FOUND IT
JUST AS SURE AS MOONLIGHT BLESS THE NIGHT.
LIKE A BLADE OF CORN,
LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL,
ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE,
WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES,
LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE

Who is God to you? I mean really. Who is God to you? While I admit I am no pastor, evangelical leader, or therapist; I honestly believe that those who spend their whole life searching for God are missing the point. Now before you throw your Bibles at the computer screen, let me explain further. Well, actually.. let me step back for a moment.

There is a saying that is repeated quite often among folks that I know. It goes like this: You can't drag people to God. They have to find Him on their own. I firmly believe that this is true. I can be a living witness. I can pray for you. I can pray with you. But I cannot introduce you to God. The reason I cannot introduce you to God is because God is within you. How can I introduce you to your divine self?

I believe that many people see God as a person/place/destination. If God is ever elusive, then I am chasing God. If I am chasing God, that means there are times when I am not in His presence. And if there are times when I am not in His presence, then I have license to act a fool until I see God again.

This is not only dangerous thinking. This is imprisoned thinking. If God lives inside of you, then God is always with you. If God is always with you, than at any moment you can call on the power that GOD has given you to defeat any problem that comes your way. Will you sometimes wrestle? Yes. Will it be difficult at times? Very. But that doesn't mean that it can not be done. And that doesn't mean that the situation will immediately get better. Well, let me clarify that. Just because you tap into your God-given power and speak healing over a situation, that does not mean that *poof* everything is ok now. What it does mean is that *poof* you can have peace in the midst of the trial. It means that *poof* you can gather the strength to fight another day. It means that *poof* you can shine your light - God's light - in the darkness. It means that *poof* your outlook on the situation has changed.

I live within God. God lives within me. Do I disrespect Him at times with my attitude and treatment of others? Yes. Am I working on that? Yes. I am - we are all - a work in progress. I am just so happy that I am progressing. Are you?

umm, well, i suck as a black parent...

For all my pro-blackness, my youngest child just dealt me a serious blow. Now she is just 7 but dang, her words hurt me. We were watching "Cake Boss" and she was describing to me what type of cake she would make for each holiday. Sounds safe enough, right? Wrong! I ask her, "what is your favorite holiday?" And she replies, "Hanukkah." I say, "huh?" She says, "Hanukkah. It's my favorite." I, looking very confused, tell her, "Baby, we aren't Jewish. We've never celebrated Hanukkah." And babygirl replies, "Uh-huh. Remember when we lit the menorah? You know the candle thingy." And at that moment the light comes on! Shaking my head, I explain, "Baby, that was KWANZAA! That was a KINARA! We celebrate Kwanzaa!"

So my question is: how did she forget about a holiday that we actually celebrate and replace it with one that we not only don't honor but also don't even talk about?

It's ok. I know. The Black-parenting police are coming to take my kids! I might as well admit all my sins now.. they still eat pork too. (Gasp! Awe!) I know. Call Brother Malcolm and the rest of the FOI. I will meet with them weekly until I step my parenting game up.

The Gospel According to Me

I have a close friend that is going through a difficult time. I've offered advice. I've prayed for this person. I've suggested many different approaches. But all of that seems in vain. Just yesterday, I had an intense spiritual discussion with this friend. So intense that my daughters said to me "Sounds like you are praying, mama." And I replied, "because i was." This friend seems to believe that everything that is happening to them is because of someone else. That SOMEONE is doing this to them. And last night I couldn't sugar coat it any more. No one is doing anything to this person. This person is doing it all to themselves. What does that mean exactly? It means that my friend is being disobedient to what God wants them to do therefore they are feeling lost, isolated, and attacked. (Now, I know what you are saying. I know that people who are obedient have bad things happen to them too, but this isn't that situation. Trust me.)

Let me put it plainly. My friend was involved in "wordly" activities for a couple of years. No need for specfics, just know that they were "wordly." But then my friend appeared to get it on track. This friend was beginning to take spiritual steps to correct his previous misteps. Then this friend got comfortable. This friend quit talking to God. This friend let Sunday's pass w/o stepping into church. Basically, this friend strayed off the path. And now this friend is being assaulted. GREATLY assaulted by the enemy. So the friend is lamenting "Why me?" and "The mean people are picking on me." And I am looking at this friend thinking "really? You really don't see your part in all of this. You really don't see that the folks that are picking on you are being used by the enemy to throw you off track. You don't see that God removed the hedge from around you and is forcing you to repeat this season because of your disobedience? You don't see that YOU are to blame for all that is happening to you. Really?"

So early this morning I realized that my words are not needed anymore. I have talked this friend's ear off. I have preached. I have sugarcoated. I have made it plain. I have done it all for this friend, but they still don't see it. So God spoke to me. God told me to shut my mouth. I have said what I have been instructed to say to them. The spiritual seeds that I have sprinkled into their life are in there. Just because I am not seeing them sprout immediately doesn't mean that the seeds weren't planted. I have to be faithful and allow God to water the seeds.

But then God turned the table on me. As much as I have been talking about God, have I been obedient? Have I been taking time for God? Have I made being in His prescence part of my daily routine? Ummmmm.. let me be honest... no, i haven't. I haven't been obedient either. So this frustrating season of dealing with this friend, may actually be for my benefit instead of theirs. Maybe I was the one who needed to learn the lesson and maybe my disobedience is not only frustrating me but also causing my friend to be stuck. Maybe if I did my part on the obedience front, we can be delivered together. Maybe that is where the testimony lies.

Failing History

Ok, I've mentioned before that I am a parent. Let me give you a bit of background. My kids are in the 2nd and 5th grades. I love the time of wonderment and the fact that they still love school. I hate the fact that they will fail Social Studies in the near future. Why you may ask? How can you fail 2nd grade Social Studies? Isn't it just Tennessee history or learning about your community? The simple answer is yes. So far 2nd grade is all about Tennessee history. But unfortuneatly it is a very narrow view of Tennessee history.

For example, my baby girl came home one day busting with knowledge. "Mama, Mama let me tell you about Davy Crockett." So I sat there and listened to her take (and I am sure her teacher's take) on the Alamo. Her version went something like this: Davy Crockett and other people were living at the Alamo and the Mexicans came in and killed everybody. She was quite convinced of who was good and who was bad at that point. But then I ruined it. I explained it this way: "Well baby. The Mexicans lived in Texas first. The white people came into Texas and took the Mexicans homes. So the Mexicans got mad and fought the white people for their land back. Think about it like this.. This is our home, right? What if someone came in here and wanted to take our home? We'd fight to get it back right?" At that point her eyes got really big and she declared: "if someone tries to take our home, I would punch them in the nose!" And then she moved on to other pressing 2nd grade matters - like who got in trouble today. But after our conversation, I got to thinking: how is she going to merge what I tell her with what her teachers tell her. When test time comes, who is she going to listen to?

Then there is my 5th grader. She is already quite Afrocentric. Not afrocentric to the point of disliking others, but afrocentric to being REAL proud of being Black. (I have to admit that makes me quite proud!) But in her history book was a passage about Nathan Bedford Forrest. The book talked about his military accomplishments while leading the Confederacy. Guess what it didn't talk about? The fact that he was a slave owner and a founding member of the KKK. So that led me to talk to my oldest about hate organizations and how history is at times warped depending on the viewpoint of those recording it. Luckily, she is smart enough and old enough to give the teacher the answer she wants and to augment it with the additional information.

I want them to learn history but not to take the simpleton's view of history. In every historical battle, there are winners and losers. But who you consider a winner depends on what side benefits you, right? I'd rather my kids have more depth added to their history lessons.

And it is just October, wait till you hear about how I ruin Thanksgiving every year.. I'll save that for a later post.

Who's Watching Your Child?

Remember going up the street to play with so-&-so? What about having sleepovers at such-&-such's house? Did you play t-ball on some team? I remember doing all of those things fondly. I remember my parents meeting my friend's family briefly then dropping me off for sleepovers/playtime/fun. It was wonderful and innocent.

Fast forward 20+ years... and now I am a parent. But not only am I a parent, I am a hyper-vigilant parent. Let's be honest. Bookworms hang out where the books are...libraries and bookstores. Shopaholics hang out where the close are...malls and boutiques. Crackheads hang out where the crack is.. crackhouses and corner dealers. And pedophiles hang out where the kids are.. schools, kids clubs, youth ministries. And that is why I am hyper-vigilant.

Everyone that comes around my child is a potential pedophile. Period. End of discussion. Sounds crazy, huh? Well, think about it.. pedophiles aren't the Dahmers or Masons of this world.. They don't walk around looking crazy all the time. (I work in the media, believe me. For every wide-eyed crazy looking picture of a mass murderer, there are many "normal" looking pictures of them out there too. Heck, look at your own photo album. I bet there is an "axe-murderer" looking picture of you in there too.) Pedophiles walk around looking like good folks. They appear to have many good qualities. They are friendly. They get along well with you. They are available to watch your kid if you need them at a moment's notice. They are kid-friendly. They appear to be decent people. But in reality they are the worst possible type of person.

I am never surprised when a teacher gets arrested for having sex with a student. Where else do you expect pedophiles to hang out? With adults? Nope. These sick folks have nothing in common with adults.

I don't understand how single women with kids can parade different men through their kids lives without so much as a background check, a google, a statement. Uncle XYZ and Mr. LMNPO might not even be interested in the mama. They may be trying to get at their kids. And that is crazy to me. You are going to let some man in your home that you've known all of 5 minutes w/o googling him, w/o a TBI background check, w/o making a statement that goes something like this.."I know we have been seeing each other for a while and we seem to be getting pretty serious. You know I am a parent and my kids are my world. But before we progress you need to know that I will kill you and happily do the time if you ever lay one solitary inappropriate finger on my child. And since I don't believe in gray areas let me explain what inappropriate is.. You will not touch my child in any sexual manner at all ever. If my child says to me that you have inappropriately propositioned them or touched them, I will kill you and Grissom from CSI will never find your body. Am I understood?" See? That's not so hard.

So you may be asking, do I let my kids do anything? Do I ever let them out of my sight? Yes. But we have many frank conversations that go like this...
ME: "No one should ever touch your..."
THEM: "private parts." They say this normally while rolling their eyes.
ME: "Your body is..."
THEM: "...our body."
ME: "If anyone ever touches you and makes you feel uncomfortable you..."
THEM: "...we know, tell mama and daddy."
ME: "because i will always believe you."

This conversation is ingrained in them by now. Before my kids go to MY MAMA's or to MY INLAWS, whom I love and trust wholeheartedly, we have conversations about protecting their bodies. I leave nothing to chance. My kids are my world. Do I understand that there are things that can happen to them beyond my control? Yes. But do I try to do everything possible to protect them from harm? Yes.

So since I don't believe in gray areas, let this be my declaration to the world, "You know I am a parent and my kids are my world. But you need to know that I will kill you and happily do the time if you ever lay one solitary inappropriate finger on my child. And since I don't believe in gray areas let me explain what inappropriate is.. You will not touch my child in any sexual manner at all ever. If my child says to me that you have inappropriately propositioned them or touched them, I will kill you and Grissom from CSI will never find your body. Am I understood?"