Luke 13: 10-13

10On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, 11and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. 12When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." 13Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

Was that passage written about me? Was it written about you? I bet it was written for both of us. I've spent 30+ years crippled spiritually. I am constantly amazed that I can walk today. Somedays I limp. And from time to time, my back aches. But I am estatic that I am no longer spiritually cripple.

I am sure that there were so many times that others prayed for me without my knowing it. So let me pray for you today.

Father, please bless everyone that my hands have touched. Please grant them grace and mercy. Please pour Your love, joy, and peace into their lives. Let them get a glimpse of Your awesomeness. Break them, Lord. If you find anything in them that is unholy, take it from them. If they have an addiction to anything that is contrary to Your plans for them, let them lose their taste for it. God, please cover them and grant them Mercy and Grace. Let the future be the best days of their lives and make them whole. In Your name I pray, Amen.

He Doesn't Need Your Help

The title really says it all: God doesn't need your help. Earlier today I wrote about how I just wanted a glimpse of what the future may hold. Just a quick look at how my test/trial/tribulations would work out. And God did not give me a glimpse. He gave me His love. Believe me, that should have been enough. The Word says that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) But I would be lying if I didn't check up on God's work. Do you know how crazy that sounds? Even as I type it I am thinking to myself, "you did what?" But yes, I attempted to check up on God's work.

See, I have been going through a test. And I thought in my small-minded way that 1 month of going through was enough. I praised my way through thus far. I have committed myself to the Word. I really thought that surely 1 month was enough, right? And then today at church I was so enveloped with God's love that I convinced myself that "ta-dah! The trials are over!" Now, God never said that the trials were over. He said that He would be with me through the trials and would sustain me. But I really wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. So I convinced myself to just take a quick look and see if my tribulations were over.

So I took a quick look. But immediately I realized that I am still in the midst of the trial. And guess what? My feelings were hurt. Like for real, take your breath away hurt. So I had to pause and think about how my actions showed just how little faith I truly have. I really wanted man to confirm what God has already said. How backwards is that? God doesn't need a cosigner. He's GOD! His love and His word should have been enough. The minute I get to thinking that it's not enough, I get my feelings hurt. God didn't hurt my feelings. My lack of faith and obedience did. So now even as I sit here upset, I am thankful that I have learned another valuable lesson: God doesn't need my help because HE is my help.

Just a Glimpse

We so often ask God for the strength to endure a trial or test. Especially when that trial or test doesn't seem to have an end. I've often heard people - myself included - ask God for "just a glimpse" of His vision for their lives. We think that if He would just give us a peek at the outcome, just a glimpse of the end date, just enough to keep on keeping on, that we can fight the enemy until the end. But let's be honest: if God showed us the end date would we (a) quit being obedient because we know that God is going to work it out, (b) only start fighting the enemy near the prophesied end date, or (c) get cocky and not be prepared for other assaults by the enemy. But what about when you are tired, and just need spiritual nourishment to fight on, what about then?

I can testify that God will not disappoint. No, God knows me entirely too well to trust me with a glimpse of the future. Heck, I know me. If God showed me the outcome that I wanted I would get cocky and if the outcome wasn't what I wanted I would get mad. (I am working on spiritual pettiness.) But today, He gave me what I needed - a sense of lasting love. Words can't express how powerful that is. Words are inadequate to explain the feeling of peace. The feeling of awesome love from God that you can't help but extend to others. The type of love that lets you see others as God sees them. That lets you love them in spite of their missteps. That lets you love your neighbor. That lets you see others as God has called them. It is an indescribable love that you can't help but to share.

And so I am sharing it with you.

Oh Christmas Cards, Oh Christmas Cards

Ok, I have a confession to make. Until yesterday afternoon, I was not not in the mood for Christmas. I wasn't in the mood to fight the crowds. I wasn't in the mood to shop. I just wasn't in the mood for the hoopla. Let me be honest. Shopping really isn't my thing. There are times when the mood hits and the funds are right and I can shop till I drop. But even then I hate the crowds of people. I am not anti-social, I'm just a bit claustraphobic. And while I wasn't in the mood for the Christmas propaganda, I was more than ready to have Christmas service. More than ready to celebrate Jesus's birth - you know, the real reason for Christmas.

But as a parent of 2 beautiful girls who are expecting Christmas and all of its wrappings, I had to get in the mood. So I made my list, went over the budget with my husband, and set off to make the holiday merry. That was until I pulled into my first mall and saw all of the people. Now, I am not a person that wanders the store looking for the item to call out to me. Oh, no! I am structured. My excel spreadsheet is typed, with names, present ideas, stores to find it, and approximate cost. I look at the gift giving season strategically. So, I am not a browser. I am in to get my stuff and get out. And for the most part, I did that. Got several gifts out of the way and was happily shopping until I reached a stumbling block - Christmas cards.

I suck at sending cards - Christmas, birthday, Valentines, etc. Normally, I forget to send them. On the rare occasion that I remember, I forget to sign them. I am serious. My family knows that if they get a card without a signiture, then it's from me. Sad, but true. But I thought this year will be different. I will attack the holiday card early and send them out by Monday morning. I was ready to watch TV and put personal notes in each of them. I actually was looking forward to it. Until...

Until I couldn't find cards that I liked. I went to Target, Walmart, a ghetto mall, TJ Maxx, and Walgreens. I can't find a card that says this is from my family. Let me tell you what I am looking for: I want a card that has a black santa, or a black angel, or black 3 wise men or a black nativity scene or a black family. I want it to mention the reason for the season and maybe have a Bible verse. And I want a box of 20 for $10-12. Did I find it? Ummm, no!

I did find snowflakes, mittens, cards with verses from Christian artists (none of who were black), white kids opening presents, white santas, white nativity scenes, and lots of reindeer. Now, let me state I have nothing against white folks. I know that none of us were alive 2000+ years ago to see how the wise men or Mary or Jesus looked. But that speaks even more to my point, because we weren't around why is it so hard to fathom that Jesus, Mary, Joseph or anyone else mentioned in the Bible may have brown skin. I am not going to go as far as saying that they were black, but I would put my money on the fact that they were people of color. So why can't I find a black Bibilical card?

But even beyond religion, why can't I find a black santa or a black family opening presents on a card? Last I checked, we celebrate Christmas too. If not, let me know so I can stay out of the mall! So why can't I find anything with a face similar to my own on it?

So tonight, I am writing this post instead of addressing Christmas cards. The mood is set: I have my holiday beverage and the kids are watching a holiday film. But instead of writing personal notes of the year gone by, I am searching the net for the perfect card. Hoping to get it to you by 2010.

In case I don't find what I am looking for let me tell you now: Merry Christmas.

Genetic Traits

I have green eyes. Whenever I meet people for the first time and mention that I have daughters, the first question I am asked is,"Do they have green eyes too?" And the answer is "no, they don't." Quite honestly, green eyes aren't that special to me. Heck, I never notice when someone else has green eyes. And the fact that my eyesight is so bad, I never have overly proud of these irises. But people always assume that I want my kids to have my physical traits.

In some instances, they are right. I would love for my daughters to have my father's, and therefore my, nose. It makes me laugh when I see my youngest child's large forehead. And I cringe when I look at their teeth. Years of braces fixed my smile and unfortuneatly my girls are headed for years of metal in their mouths. But the physical traits are miniscule to me.

There are other traits that I would love my kids to inherit. I am passionate. I am a good debater. I love to read. I believe in equity and equality. I hope they inherit these qualities. But there are some that I hope they don't inherit. I hope they are not as quick tempered as I am. I pray they are slow to anger. I hope they learn to think before they speak.

But while we are passing on genetic traits and intellectual gifts, I wonder what else I am passing along to my kids. What generational curses are being passed down? Think about your own family. Do you have your father's nose or your mama's smile? Do people say you act just like your grandma? But then look deeper at your life. Do you have an issue with infidelity like grandpa? Do you like alcohol like Uncle So-and-so? Do you have self esteem problems like Auntie whats-her-name? Those are things that I don't want to pass along. Those are things that I am determined to stop with me.

I am committed to stopping generational curses from passing onto my children's children. But I do plan to leave them a lasting inheritance - knowledge of God's love.

Psalm 30:5

Everyone knows this scripture, but recite it with me anyway: Psalm 30:5 "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

How many times have you recited that verse? Just 48 hours ago I asked "is it morning yet?" Well, guess what? The sun is up! Yea! Both literally and metaphoriclly/spiritually.

Ok, let me break it down for you. I have been walking through a valley. No, don't feel bad for me, because as I have been walking GOD has been right there with me. Psalm 23:4 should be on my under-roos! But about 48-72 hours ago, I got tired of walking. I needed to sit down and take a break. Not give up, but just a break. So I did.

It's not that I didn't believe that I was walking "through". I definitely believe that. It's that I was tired because the journey has been long and treacherous. I admit I didn't train well for the journey. For a long time I was walking in circles not getting anywhere. But God stepped in and handed me a guide book, and wow! Now I am walking in the right direction. But that doesn't negate the harsh terrain.

So I got weary. I got tired. I sat on a rock for a second to catch my breath. I even took a nap. I almost got comfortable in the valley. Heck, I've been in it so long that I've grown used to it. But thank God for sending me a spiritual sherpa. I was chillin', restin' and here comes someone who just took a moment for me. He offered me some water to restore my energy. He then reached out his hand to me and said "Get up. Come on. Just a little further." And that was all that I needed.

So at that point my strength was renewed and I was walking again. So while I may still be in the valley, I am walking and the morning sun is shining on me which makes the journey much more bearable.

Stepped All Over My Toes...

Don't you love it when you go to church and your pastor steps all over your toes? (Translation for those not raised in the Black church: When the pastor speaks directly into your live/situation as if the message was written just for you.) Well, today Bishop Walker preached from Psalm 100:1 "Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth" (NIV). And you know I have to share what I learned, right?

-Lesson 1: Joy is not based on an emotional response. Joy is based on a revelation. You can be unhappy with a situation but still have joy in the midst of it.

-Lesson 2: There are times when all the praise/shout/joyful noise I can offer are my cries. Everytime you go to God you don't have to use greatly constructed sentences and words. Sometimes you have to go to God with tears streaming down your face and just moan. He can translate.

-Lesson 3: When you are doing battle with the enemy, you can't be quiet about it. That doesn't mean to run to this person or that person looking for help. That means that you must talk with God. You must praise God. You must speak life over your situation. You are doing warfare through worship. (2 Chronicles 20:18-37) The enemy has taken something from you - your destiny/your life/your sanity/your peace. Don't you want your stuff back? If someone stole something from your house you would holler and scream, right? So do the same with the enemy. Quit sitting in the house feeling sorry for yourself. Lift your head and your voice to God. Call on Him that can restore you and give you strength to fight for your stuff. God will bind things for your sake and release others for your blessing.

See didn't that help you? I know it helped me. I will be back later. Right now, I am needed on the battlefield.

And for the Fellas....

You didn't think I was going to let you off that easy, did you? Come on.. You've been reading me for awhile. You know me better than that.

Why is it so hard to stay faithful to one woman? Since we've been communicating for awhile, don't try to hand me the normal crap. None of the "well you know, men are visual creatures. We need variety." Or the "the only thing better than good p*ssy is new p*ssy." We are beyond that. So what is it? I mean can you really explain it to me?

Is it "my wife just doesn't understand me anymore?" Have you tried talking with her? UMMMM, chances are the answer is no. For some reason, humans have a hard time talking to the person that they claim means the most to them. Instead of running off at the mouth with the next chick, how about talking with your wife.

"We don't have sex like we used to." Are your moves predictable? Can she count on the exact same 3 moves every night? I love cheesecake but I have a sneaky suspicision that if I ate it every night for a month, I might be sick of it and want a Snickers bar instead. Go back to your bag of tricks and put in some horizontal work.

"She's gained weight." Are you eating what she's cooking? I thought so. So chances are you've gained too. So take over the cooking duties a few times a week. Ask her to go on a walk with you to spend some quality time together. See how slick that was? I didn't mention exercise or tell her to lose weight. I said "quality time." Believe me, the phrasing makes all the difference.

"She doesn't keep herself up anymore." Quick. Take out your cell phone and credit card. Call her best friend and tell her to make a hair, mani/pedi, Brazillian and massage appointment for your wife. Ask the best friend to take her to the MAC counter to get a makeover. Go to Victoria Secret and pick out something that you want to see her in. Gift wrap the package. Send the kids to their grandma's house. When your wife gets home, take her out and show her off. After all of the positive attention that she receives, she will do it more often. Trust me.

"We've grown apart." Valid problem, but not an irreconcilable difference. Call your church's marriage ministry. Attend marriage Sunday school. Talk to each other. Talk to a counselor. Go on vacation together to a place neither of you have been. That will force you to talk to each other. Or recreate early memories. Where was your first date? Go there. Recapture that love.

"It's just easy with the other woman." Of course it's easy. Do you think getting into trouble is ever hard? Do you think that satan is stupid? No. The enemy wants you to perceive it as easier to make you make mistakes. Duh! So it is easy with the mistress right now. She never complains. She never fusses with you. She never makes you angry, right? Do you know why? Because she doesn't know all of you. She has been entertaining your PR agent. She doesn't know your quirks or shortcomings. That's because she is your mistress, not your wife.

The fundemental difference is that mistresses love the PR agent, wives love the man.

Letter to My Sisters

I was at dinner last night with several women. One of the topics that arose was the fact that Tamicka was being sought after by a new beau. But this beau has one problem, he's married. Well, as other ladies at the table pointed out, he's separated. And as I pointed out, isn't separated still married?

So before I go any further let me say this is a rant, not a post. If you are ready for that, read on. If not, check back tomorrow. I am sure I will write something poetic and wonderful to bless you.. tomorrow. But back to last night's conversation...

So another woman at the table pointed out that the beau in question was about to be divorced. And as I re-iterated, about to be divorced is still MARRIED, right? Lots of folks are about to be something. Some folks are about to be employed, about to be in school, about to be pregnant, about to be thin, about to be in rehab. About to be speaks to where you want to be, not to where you really are. And this is a dangerous slope when you are talking about many things. If you use the aforementioned examples, those about-to-be folks are currently unemployed, uneducated, without child, fat, and a crackhead.

So here is my question for women: When did it become ok to get involved in with a married man? I am not even going to touch on those in committed relationships. But for this rant/post I will only talk about married folks. (Cheating boyfriend and girlfriends can relax and take a deep breath.)

Those that know me know that I love Denzel Washington. I mean really love Denzel - from Mississippi Masala to Pelham 123. And I have joked about attacking him if I ever met him. But the reality of it is, he is married and I respect that. Period. End of story.

Ohhh, I hear you whispering, "This must be a recent feeling. She must have gone through something that made her feel this way. Something must have happened." Well, for the haters let me tell you - call my girls and ask them - my position on this hasn't changed from the time I started dating to now. Why? Because while I might not of always believed in God's power, I believed in karma. What goes around, comes around. If you take someone's husband, then later on someone will take yours. I firmly believe that. The is a belief that is deep rooted in my soul.

So let's talk. I'll calm down. What do you want to say?

"There's a shortage of good black men. What am I to do?" Be strong and wait for a single man to come. Have fun with your friends and your life with out coveting someone else's life.

"But he is my soul mate. We were meant to be together. If we had only met first." Ummm, but you didn't. So he isn't your soul mate. Due to the covenant that he made with his wife, their souls are now entertwined together and their destiny's are connected. Remember that part in the wedding where the pastor says that "let no man put asunder?" Yeah, that included you.

"If his wife was doing her job, he wouldn't be over here." Not true. Are some wives trifling? Yes. Are some wives busting their asses to take care of their families? Yes. She could be the best looking, well educated, best lover in the world and he could still act a fool. His missteps are not always a reflection of her shortcomings.

"But he is wonderful. He does XYZ." Yes, he is wonderful. Do you want to know why? Because his wife is washing his clothes. His wife is feeding the kids. His wife is cleaning the house. His wife is taking care of business. You don't see the day to day activities. You don't see the husband gassy, or trifling. All the mistress sees is the PR agent. As much as I love Denzel, I know that his greatness is mostly contributed to Pauletta.

And my favorite, "but I am praying that the lord will move him from his wife and deliver him to me." Do you really hear yourself? God isn't a thief. He will not carjack someones marriage for you. What God has for you is for you? Not what God has for me is for you. How did you miss that in church? Pray for your own husband.

So let me be nice for a moment. I know women are tired of the crap on the dating scene. Most of my friends are single and believe me, I've heard it all. But being lonely, broke, tired, impatient is no reason to settle for a married man. Did you ever think that your own blessing/soulmate/husband could be around the corner but you are blocking that blessing because of your disobedience? Don't you want someone all to yourself? That you can spend nights and holidays with? I hope so. I want it for you and I pray that you find it. I really do.

Tricks of the Devil

Ok, you understand that you are in a fight for your life, right? I mean, you have been paying attention to what I've been writing, right? So, you've made the decision to do right. You've decided to follow the path of righteousness (Romans 6:18). Great! But now what?

Now be prepared for Satan to have a fit and to throw many tricks at you to get you to come back to his team. This tricks will mess with your head and attempt to confuse your steadfastness. You must be able to throw scriptures back at the enemy to stay free and clear of his traps. And remember, the enemy is not going to speak to you directly. The cartoon satan will not come and sit in your living room and try to convince you to leave Jesus. No, satan will speak through your cravings, your vices, even your friends who aren't saved. Unfortunately, Satan has many willing helpers.

Here are some things that you might hear:
1. "Girl, why can't you come with us to XYZ? I mean, when we get there you can just chill. You don't have to do anything." Let's be honest. You can't go everywhere anymore. There are some places that are slippery slopes for you and you are wearing Vaseline soled shoes. Just stay away from those places.

2. "I mean just one more time isn't going to hurt." Yes, it is. If you could have avoided the first time you really wouldn't be in this mess, would you? Do you really want to start over at ground zero again?

3. "Nobody would have to know. This is between me and you." You forgot about God didn't you? He will know. You have made promises to Him. You should keep those promises because He will always keep His word to you.

4. "You acting funny..." No, you are acting righteous. That doesn't mean you walk around condemning everyone that isn't on the same page as you. But you will begin to see the faults in others that you are trying to free yourself from. Your change is for the better. Don't turn back.

5. "You are using religion as a crutch." No, you are using your faith, your beliefs, and the Bible as your guidebook not a crutch.

6. "You are delusional. Your situation is never going to change." Actually, this one is right. Your situation may never change but how you handle your situation will change.

7. "You've been waiting on God long enough." Our time is not His time. Impatience is something I wrestle daily. God delivers, blesses, frees in His time. There may be lessons that you haven't finished learning or tests that you haven't passed yet. God hears you and will deliver you. Remember the race is not given to the swift but to those who endure to the end.

8. "But what do you want?" Really, it's not about your will anymore. It's about God's will. I can want cheesecake everyday for dinner but is it good for me? Nope. God's will is always to bless you, never to hurt you.

9. "You can stop whenever you want to." If you could, you would have stopped long ago. Stop now and don't look back.

10. "Your not strong enough to stop." Please. God is strong enough for the both of you. Remember 1 Peter 5:10 "will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." God will fight this one for you.

Now that is just the satanic top ten. There are many other tricks out there. You must keep your eyes open for traps and heart full of the word. Pray for discernment so that you can see danger coming.

And remember avoiding traps is much easier than freeing yourself from them.

The Devil is Real

1 Peter 5: 8-9
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

Friends, let me tell you. The enemy is real. Not only is the enemy real, the enemy is patient, knows all of your wants, and all of your vunerable places. I think that we often flirt with the enemy and his ways and then look surprised when we find ourselves caught in a snare. I really don't think anyone has ever woken up and declared, "today i will make a fatal mistake and trade my destiny for one of satan's worldy treasures." or to put it plainly, "today i will destroy my life, family, friends, future for a piece of ass/hit of a drug/one more drink." (Is that blunt enough for you?) I really don't think people wake up and plan on giving up their lives. I firmly believe that people wake up and make steps without thinking through the consequences of those actions. Momentary gratification can cause such ruin.

But what about when you find yourself in a trap? Now what? Imagine this: You are in a desert, sinking in quicksand. You are chained to your favorite vice. You really love this vice. You enjoy this vice. You know the vice is killing you but it is soooo good. You also know that as you keep partaking of this vice it will drag you deeper and deeper into the quicksand. Just a few feet away is an oasis. You know that the oasis is a safe place, free of this deadly quicksand. But to get to this oasis you have to leave your vice behind. The vice cannot come with you to the oasis. What do you choose?

Reading this most people would say "choose life!" But in the reality of the situation applied to your current life, what would you really choose? Can you put down that vice/drugs/smoking/food/sex/drink? Especially when it isn't easy?

Think about it: Satan has invested time into you. He wants to win. He will fight dirty. He will dig in his heels and try to control you. Remember this is a vice that you spiritually know is wrong, but carnally REALLY enjoy. Satan will not walk away from you. He is patient. So while it is easy to say, "I choose life." Can you still say it when the enemy is whispering in your ear? Can you still say it when you are craving the enemy? Can you still say it when you can do the vice and no one will see you? Can you?

I believe you can. I believe that you can say no to the enemy and win. Will it be difficult? Yes. But can you win? Yes. You can win because God is steadfast and faithful. Because for every step you take toward the oasis/God, the next one gets easier. Because the word says in 1 Peter 5:10 "10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." You may cry. You may vomit. You may have the shakes. You may miss your vice. But the word says "a little while." Which means that not only is there an end, but He will not leave you there long. God knows what you can handle. For every step you make towards Jesus, the pull of the chain gets lighter until it is gone. So say "goodbye" to your vice, turn your back on it, and move towards Jesus. He is waiting on you.

Lesson I Learned Today: Silence Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

The day is coming to a close and I have to admit... I had a great day. Now, it didn't start off that way, but wow, what a difference a few hours make. From my earlier post you can see just how rocky it was. But this post isn't about that. This post is about what I learned today. So here goes:

1. I learned that when I am upset attempting to be quiet doesn't work as well as I thought it did. I have always been quick to "pop off" at the mouth. I used to think that my satirical wit (as I liked to call it) was a blessing. Now I am understanding that this "skill" has gotten me into more trouble than I'd like. So I pause and go mute for a while to organize my thoughts. Only I was told today that others take my being mute as being unapproachable and pissed off. I've always believed that non-verbal communication was more powerful than verbal. So I guess I need to brush off my Paul Lawrence Dunbar and put the mask on a bit tighter.

2. I also learned that suffering in silence isn't really noble. No, I don't think you should hold a pity party for every little thing, but sometimes you need to connect with a friend/prayer partner/amen corner for a boost. That doesn't mean that you aren't trusting in the Lord to deliver you. God puts people in your life to assist you and bring you joy. So today, my time spent at lunch with my friend was joyous. Thank you.

3. Even when things look dark, I am much farther than I was last month and leaps ahead of where I was last year. For that I say, amen.

In His Time

In late October, I made a declaration that I wanted to take my life to the next level on all fronts - Spiritually, Fiscally, at Work, and with my Family. So many of my friends applauded my decision but also warned that I would be assaulted by the enemy. Lo and behold, 48 hours later I received disturbing news affecting my family that shook me to my core. But remembering what my friends and prayer partners warned, I buckled down and immersed myself in God's Word. I thought, "I survived the attack on my family. The attack may not be over but I have peace about it. And the peace is a blessing."

Then two weeks ago, the enemy attacked my finances. I thought, "Ok minor setback, but I am blessed that I have my needs met. There are folks praising Him more, with even less. So let me Praise Him in spite of this tough time."

Then yesterday, I was attacked at work. Someone was promoted to a higher paying job w/less duties. Let me clarify: I am not jealous of someone else's success. But I want to ask God, "What about me?"

God knows that I am weary. Being attacked on one level is hard enough but on 3 fronts is very difficult. And I am still trying to encourage others, while going through my own trials. I know that as I am speaking to them, I am also speaking to myself. But I am in pain. While I profess and proclaim peace over the situation, they all still hurt very much. I am not a crier but - whoa - I can't get the tears to stop today.

So here is my prayer today: Father, please give my heart a break. You know what I can and cannot bear, so please help me in this situation. If I have to stay in the valley to learn my lessons and to grow closer to you, I will happily stay. But please take the pain, the sting, of it away. I promise I am not turning back. I am pressing forward. Your word says (Luke 6:38) "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." And right now, I am giving all of myself to your glory. Please Father... help me to stay on your path. Amen.

So I know that God hears me. If for no other reason than that, I will rejoice.

Forgiveness

Jesus has a sense of humor. I really believe that. This afternoon I was looking for a few note cards and found a box of Christmas cards from Christmas 2007. These weren’t just cards and envelopes. These were cards that I wrote personal notes in wishing holiday happiness and what not. Well, I found a card that I addressed to a person that I will call “Lost.” And when I saw the card I had to laugh. Jesus was just giving me a quick pop quiz.

Let me explain: Lost had once been a friend. I really think that we were cool at one point in time. But Lost attacked me in the most vicious way and not only hurt my feelings but really crushed my spirit. She had me ready to literally catch a case. Lost left so much damage in her wake that I really wasn’t sure that I would recover. Her actions were so devastating that I even quit talking to God. Why? Because I knew that if He could part the Red Sea, create heaven and earth, then He could smite her and fix the situation. And when He seemingly didn't choose my side, I got mad so I quit speaking to Him.

But God.. (Isn’t that enough to shout right there?) But God never quit talking to me. He waited for me to call on Him, to make the first step. But once I cried out to Him, He collected the pieces of me that were left and put them back together. So here I was, back together but still very angry, still holding a grudge against Lost.

But slowly but surely, Jesus worked on me and my issue of forgiveness. And He was subtle about it. It started with a facebook message:

Author unknown
“the pain associated with unforgiveness will cause more damage than the initial act of sin itself; we must learn to free ourselves from this bondage; it often keeps us nailed down to our past and seeks to separate us from the freedom and love we experience in Christ…”

I thought about it, but came to the conclusion that “naw, surely He can’t be talking about Lost.” So I ignored that message.

Then it came in a song by India Arie:

“Wings of Forgiveness”
If Jesus can forgive crucifixion
Surely we can survive and find resolution

I still thought, “Whatever. God must be trippin’. I am sure He knows what she did right?” So I continued to work on me, while holding a grudge against Lost. Lost was prevelant in my mind and life. Everything I did, every action I took was based on what would make me look better than Lost. But somewhere along the way that changed. Instead of running from Lost, I ran towards God. Instead of looking over my shoulder, I am looking forward to Him. So today, when I found the Christmas card, I had to laugh because while it was jarring, it wasn’t painful. God had lifted that from me. So I got to thinking about if I could really forgive Lost.

The Word says that you have to forgive. Matthew 18 records this conversation between Peter and Jesus.

Matthew 18
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[f]
Then God struck me. How many times have you been disobedient? How many times have you strayed? How many times have I forgiven you? And if I am honest with myself, it is way more than 77 times.

So I am choosing to forgive Lost. Not because I want to, or even because she's asked me to. I am forgiving Lost because I am being obedient. I am choosing to erase “record of wrongs.” I am choosing to pray for Lost. I will release that grudge against Lost because by freeing her, I free myself.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Look at How You've Changed

Today my best friend told me that he notices a positive change in me. I was elated when he said that. I am working very hard at trusting God and letting His will be done in my life – even when it hurts, even when I don’t like it, even when I’m impatient. That doesn’t mean that I am on a pedestal. I am quite far from it. I know people who exude calm and peace that I have often envied, and now to be compared to those folks is a great honor in my mind. I know that He isn’t done with me yet, but I am so proud of how far I’ve come.

Let’s be honest. Six months ago, I was in a whole different mindset. I swear I could win any verbal battle and most physical ones that came my way. I hoped for the best, but if the worst came then so be it. I was ready. It’s almost laughable when you think of how quick I was to go off. Heck, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad.

But recently, I took off that yoke and handed it over to God. Do I still get frustrated? Yes. Does it get hard? Yes. But I have someone carrying the burden with me so when it gets too heavy and I get too weary, God will carry not only my burden but me as well.

So when my friend said that he noticed a change in me, I hope that he realizes that it’s not me that he sees, it’s the God in me.

Is Infidelity Inevitable?

Mr. Wilson, a friend of mine from college, posted this question on facebook: “Is it fair to say that most relationships (at some point) struggle with a cheating significant other?” Whoa, Mr. Wilson, are you sure you want to go there? This is a heavy subject. So heavy in fact that we are more comfortable tee-heeing a situation instead of taking a stand against it.

Think about it: how many friends of yours are cheaters? I mean, really think about it. And what did you do when you heard about your friend’s infidelity? Did you shrug your shoulders and say “I’m out of it?” Did you give your friend a high 5 and call them “the man?” Did you say to them that this was unacceptable behavior? Did you try to minister a word into their lives? Probably not.

I have to admit that, in the past, I have been guilty of patting folks on the back for their infidelity. The concept of what one person won’t do, another will used to be ok with me. But that changed. Sometimes you can learn a lesson with just a whisper from God. Other times life will kick you in your tail and change you. Unfortunately, I’ve had the kick in your butt lesson. Believe me.

I appreciate the lesson. Before the spiritual education, I believed that when you stand before God and wed, that the first rule is much like the oath doctor’s take: “First do no harm.” And being unfaithful in a marriage is inflicting much harm on your spouse. Therefore cheating is unacceptable. But that is a simpleton’s view of marriage.

Through my spiritual education or biblical-kick-in-the-can as I like to call it, I learned that the enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). That means that on a regular basis you have to fight against your carnal inclinations to honor God by honoring your covenant. Sounds easy right? Wrong. Remember the enemy is tricky. The enemy will tempt you with the things you like. I mean, I can’t tempt someone who likes salty snacks with cupcakes right? But if I have a brand new package of Lays then they may be tempted to take a bite. The enemy uses that same tactic with you. You like tall, dark and handsome. Bam! Here he comes to tempt you away. Ok, Ok. You are still thinking, “That’s fine. I can resist that.” And you probably can. But the devil is trickier than that. He waits until you and your spouse have a fight or are in a rut. The enemy waits until you are fed up with your spouse. He waits until you have marital strife. Then here comes Mr. TallDarkandHandsome. Now can you resist? Remember the cupcake analogy? Now imagine someone offering you Lays after you’ve been fasting for a few months. Can you resist the Lays now? Probably not by yourself. You need someone else on your team to help you defeat the enemy. Guess who that someone else is? God.

Now, that doesn’t mean that Mr. TallDarkandHandsome isn’t tempting. It doesn’t mean that you and your spouse aren’t going through a desert. It does mean that even when your spouse is acting an ass you will honor your covenant to God. Your spouse’s action or lack of action does not negate your responsibilities to God. You honor God by being a good spouse. You honor God by praying your way through the valley. And you honor God by listening to His instructions. You honor God by being obedient to His word and faithful to your spouse.

Things I learned at Homecoming

Whoa! There is nothing like an HBCU Homecoming. Friends. Fun. Parties. Whoa! But you know the nerd in me looks for the lessons in everything. So here is what I learned this weekend:

1. Some people change for the better. In the years since college, some people have really blossomed and become wonderful (or more wonderful) people. It is amazing to see how well some folks are doing. This isn't a reference to their financial status. This is a reference to their personal joy. It is great to see so many folks comfortable with themselves and where they are in life.

2. Some folks don't change for the better or don't change at all. There is an often repeated adage that goes like this: "when people show you who they are, believe them." I think this is true for some. They could be perpetually stuck in the college mindset. Or maybe they are late bloomers and will change. Who knows?

3. My memory is crap. I ran into tons of people who I didn't remember. My memory is shot and not due to anything illegal. I just have a bad memory when it comes to people. I can remember chapters of books or lines from movies. I can quote all of Les Mis, but ask me who so-and-so is and I can't remember. Please charge it to my head and not my heart. I really think my memory sucks because I don't take pictures. I never walked around with a camera and honestly still don't. I document my kids' lives but don't document my own. If I had pics that I flipped through regularly I might be better off. I will start taking (and printing) more pics!

4. The cutest shoes hurt the most. Enough said.

5. I really do believe that the enemy doesn't take a day off so we shouldn't either. With all of the excitement and chaos surrounding homecoming, it is so easy to get caught up and forget your spiritual armor. It is so important to take a moment to keep your spiritual warfare up. So this is a habit that you can't put to the side. You have to be diligent.

6. Which leads me to another point, you can be on the "good foot" and still kick it. For years I thought that these two concepts were contradictory. But they aren't. I can have a GREAT time and still not compromise my faith walk.

7. Tasha is right. OK, this is a bit of an inside story, but here is the short version. Tasha is a fitness/wellness guru. She is amazing. She is loving but will kick you in the tail also. Well, she's been mentoring me to improve my health. (Those that know me understand that my health is shady!) But dang it, on Friday, she asked for my food journal. Well, you know me. I keep it 100%. My answer was a Chili's appetizer and many drinks (none of which were water.) And of course, Tasha - being Tasha - kept it 100% back. She said "Neysa, you have got to even that stuff out... not necessarily because of the program (although the weight loss would be great) but because of your tummy issues..... celebration is one thing but somebody is going to have to pay for those drinks....guess who?" OK, OK. She is right. I try to live by the "2 out of 3" rule which means that to live healthy you have to do 3 things: eat well, sleep well, move well. That if you try to daily achieve 2 of the 3 then you are pretty well off. This weekend I moved well. (You know you saw me on the dance floor!) The rest was out the window. And Tasha is right. I am paying for it.

8. I need to slow down and be a better friend. I try to cram 365 days worth of friendship into 3 days. My friends and I are all over achievers. We do too much. So we find it hard to take time to converse with each other. I really think that this is the reason why facebook is great. Quick messages and photos let you keep up with others on your own schedule. But I want to see my friends more. I want to have dinner with them and see their homes. I want to visit San Fran/Memphis/Chicago/Atlanta/DC and share a coffee and a late night conversation. I want to know what they believe the biggest threat to our community is and how we are going to fix it. I want to know if they've fallen in love with themselves or someone else. I want to know what wisdom they have learned along the way and share a bit of what I have gained. I want to be a better friend. And I will be.

Don't get cocky but be confident

Previously, I have written about addiction and being lame. But what happens when you kick that addiction. Now, personally I don't believe that you ever really kick a vice. I believe that you learn to control a vice instead of letting it control you. But to ever say that you are really "cured" of a vice is a dangerous thing. When you say that you are cured of a vice, that is the moment that you let your guard down. At that moment you are no longer vigilant against your vice. And the moment you let your guard down, is the moment that sin/vices/evil will creep up on you.

But what if you are super vigilant? Now what? Stay vigilant against your primary vice but also have your eyes open against new issues. Just because you have kicked one habit doesn't mean that the enemy won't try to attack you using another tactic.

The word uses this parable:
Luke 11:24-26

24"When an evil[h] spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' 25When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first."

So, let's say that you have taken control of your lungs and quit smoking. But if you start replacing smoking with cupcakes then you have quit one vice but started another. Now, I understand that this is an overly simplistic view of vices. But the most complex situations only get solved when we dissect them at the cellular level.

I have identified my vice. I am committed to keeping it in check. But while I am watching over the front door, let me not forget to keep the lock on the the back door secure. I don't ever want to get cocky. I want to be confident in my decisions.