When it Rains it Pours

Hahahahhaha! It's raining. Yep, I am laughing at the rain. For the past 48 hours I have been cartwheeling around, hi-fiving folks.. just super excited that my 2010 is ending better than it started. Like for real! Things aren't perfect, but I am excited that the year is ending well. Well damn. The enemy heard me rejoicing and praising and decided to come after me. So it's been raining. And raining hard. But what's funny is that this time I am dancing in the rain. The enemy wants me to fall out and do the "woe is me" dance. Ummmm, nope. I am dancing in the rain. And this time I have a umbrella made of faith. So I will count it all JOY! So I will still claim that 2010 is ending better than it started. Every test is me pressing on towards the goal that is what? Christ Jesus!

What's in a name? A Lot

That is a seemingly simple question, right? What's my name? Well, not so much. My friends call me "Ney." My mother calls me several names including "Minnie Jean." My husband calls me "the best he ever had.." (Just kidding. Well, not really.) My kids call me "mama." And my husband's kids call me ... yep, there's the sticking point.

If you follow the blog you know that there are now 4 kids in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you need a brief recap - hubs had an affair, mistress had twins, we reconciled, God is amazing. (No, I am not making light of a horrible situation, but that's not where I am anymore.. we are moving forward!)But even as we move forward, there are many little questions that need to be answered along the way.. like, what's my name? Or what will these new additions to the home call me?

Let's state the obvious. I am not their birth mom. But these little people will be in my home and under the care of my household quite often. So I need a title. Normally, kids just pick up whatever name that their older siblings call you. But I have a pretty good feeling that if they start calling me "mama" there would be a problem. (Trust me on this one.) So, what will I be called? Mom the sequel? Nah. Two? (I saw this on "Royal Pains".) I don't like that. Deuce? Too hood. So what should I be called?

And I need a good name. I want a name that says "This woman loves me and loves this family. If I need something, this woman will supply it for me and will consistantly be there for me. This woman did not give birth to me, but loves me just the same." Yep, I am expecting a lot from a name. So what shall I be called? I'll let you know when I make a decision.

Rebranding in 2011

Over the past 2 years this blog has been all over the place. Honestly this blog has been part diary and part therapy.. And that blinding honesty will continue. That magnifying glass on my life will definitely continue. But I will be more focused. From being a mom, to being a wife, lover, friend, smart woman in a corporate world, to conscious black female.. you never know where the journey will take you. But I can promise you that it will be singularly focused on answering these questions:
1. Is what I am writing honest?
2. Have I learned anything from the experience?
3. Will others benefit from what I have learned?

That doesn't mean that what I write will always be pretty. But it does mean that what I write will always be real. Come along for the ride. Tell your friends. Let's see where this will go.

Straight Talk for 2011

Sometimes you just have to give it to folks straight. I mean really. Sometimes you just have to call roll and let folks know where you stand on somethings. No flowery language, no frills, just truth. Well, that's today. (So that was your chance to click to another page.. but if you are still here then I guess you are ready.)

1. I am a much better wife now than I was 3 years ago. That does not mean that I asked for all the BS to come raining down on my life. That does not mean that I deserved it. What it does mean is that today I am a better wife than I was 3 years ago.

2. Forgiveness is a daily process. It isn't an easy process but a necessary one. And it must be worked on daily.

3. I don't have to apologize for wanting my marriage to work. You might not understand it. You might not agree with it. You might not like it. Hell, some folks that are reading this were hoping for it to end. But guess what? We're still standing. Married. Together. Loving. Fighting. Growing. Perfect? Nope. But we are still a "we." And I refuse to apologize for loving my husband. For praying for my husband and family. For seeking God in my situation.

4. There are somethings in life I will never understand. There are why's and what's that I will never understand. Ever. That's hard for me, but it is the truth.

5. I am a writer. I enjoy writing. Where will it lead? I dunno. But for right now - this minute - I will enjoy the gift and use it.

6. And I am claiming that 2011 will be better - much better - than 2010. Well, let me not say that. Let me say that in 2011 I will be better than I was in 2010. Let me take responsibility for making my new year great!

In My Rear View Mirror

Funny, I just found an email that I sent in January 2009 to a person that I strongly disliked. What we were arguing about isn't really the issue, but the funny thing is everything this person denied doing in the email eventually came to light. And I mean everything. But it if funny now. Not that we were in a heated discourse. Not that we were arguing. But that fact that I found it now, tucked away in my email, and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is funny that the person that caused me so much pain and anguish doesn't even garner a blip when I look back over the past few years. It is funny to me that I wasted so much time on this situation. And while I remember how angry I was that day, there is no sting in the memory anymore.

I recently crossed paths with that person again. While we will never be friends, I was pleased to note that her presence was painful. It's kind of like looking in your rearview mirror after you leave an unpleasant location. You look back - glad that you made it through. But then you look forward and smile, because you know you never have to go there again.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Yep, Christmas time. For the first time ever, I am totally broke, busted, without money.. and totally happy. Yep, I said it. Let me explain: there are people far worse off than I am in the broke department. Broke for me means that I can only buy presents for my kids and that's pretty much it. I'm not exaggerating. I am soooo serious. But this year, there is no stress. This year, I have everything that I need. Is everyday great? NOPE!!! But I am blessed and highly favored, and that is enough. Let's list the blessings:
1. God loves me and I love Him.
2. I have a home and the heat and lights are on.
3. I woke up today.
4. My children are healthy.
5. My husband rocks!
6. There is food in my kitchen.
7. I have wonderful friends who will pray me through the storm.
8. My parents are still alive.
9. I am employed.
10. Did I mention that God loves me and I love Him.

All together I am doing much better than some and for that I am thankful. This is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.

Blinders Off

Most days I wake up and I can quickly point out what is wrong in your life and what you need to do to fix it. Really quick. Believe me. Tell me your problem and in 10 minutes flat, I can solve it and have an action plan on what to follow. Yep, I'm that good. But a few months ago God told me that wasn't my job. If people come to me for help, then by all means help them. But don't continue to give advice to people who don't know that they are in need of help. And I was forced to take a good look at my own life. Matthew 7: 1-5 reads,

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Yep, that was me. (And to be honest some days it is still me.) I was quick to tell you that you were jacked up, but didn't recognize my own issues. I had to come to grips with my shortcomings BEFORE I can even begin to talk about anyone else's. Before when drama came to my doorstep I was full of "look what they are doing to me?" or "what is this happening to me?" But now my outlook has changed because my blinders are off. Now when drama comes I don't look outward, I look inward. Even with all of the drama in my own life - and ya'll know that drama stays at my doorstep - I look inward. It's not immediate. But I get there. This is my process.

First, a problem comes to my door. I have a natural reaction - anger, hurt, etc. Then I calm down and ask myself a series of questions:
1. What role did I play in this situation? Did I do something - anything to cause the current drama?
2. What role am I continuing to play in this situation? Am I doing anything that is keeping the drama going?
3. What am I to learn from this situation?
4. What do I need to remove from or add to my life to end the drama?

After answering those questions, I normally see my part in the situation. Maybe I wasn't in relationship with God like I needed to be, maybe my tithing was not consistent, maybe I was being mean and snarky to others, maybe my pride or any number of vices got in the way and I had to be humbled. I don't always like the answer, but it is the answer I get. And finally I turn to the Word for my biblical pep talk. This is my favorite: James 1:2-4

"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Yep, count it all joy. That doesn't mean that you are happy that it happened to you. You are never excited to see drama cross your doorstep. But let's be honest, drama comes - whether from your own disobedience, to teach you a lesson, or to get you to the next level.

So take the blinders off. Please stop looking at everyone else as the cause of your problems. Do other folks make your life hard? Yes. Do people lie to you and lie on you? Yes. Do they hurt your feelings and cause you pain? Of course. That is what humans do. But honestly, what did you do? Maybe you are being lied to because you are a liar. Maybe your heart is broken because you are an adulterer. Maybe your money is tight because you were selfish. Take your blinders off -not to look at other people - but to look at yourself in the mirror.

Bucket List

Recently on Facebook a friend posed this question: "name 1 thing on your bucket list." I thought "wow, i have a long list." So what's on your bucket list? Is it really a bucket list or just a list of things that sound cool? There is a difference. A bucket list is full of things that you not only want to do but are working towards accomplishing. A list of cool stuff is just that - a list of cool stuff. How often do you visit your bucket list? Do you revise it or just leave it out there haunting you?

So here is your homework assignment: Grab your list, dust if off, and set about making one thing on that list get a little check mark. It doesn't have to be number one on the list. But you can do it. So go ahead. What do you have to lose? Nothing - remember you made the list!

An Open Letter to all the Baby Mama's

I mean, really, get over it. I know, I know... Easier said than done. But for real, get over it. Why? Because it's no longer about you - it's about your kids. Now before you get all bent out of shape, calling your girlfriends and organizing a picket line on my lawn, let me tell you - I was a baby mama at one time. I had my oldest daughter BEFORE I was married. And she wasn't an infant when I tied the knot. She was old enough to be in several wedding pictures walking around and had a matching outfit. And I was preggers with my 2nd when I got married. So I have some "baby mama street cred."

And let me tell you, I wasn't always so smart. I remember cussing out my baby daddy (now hubs) on many an occasion. I remember being so hurt that I didn't want to see him at all - even if it was a moment when he was coming to pick up his daughter. I was ANGRY, hurt, and emotional. Just ask my friends or my sister-in-law. She had to talk me down many a night when I tearfully wondered, "What the hell happened?" But after many nights of "woe is me-ness," I had to realize that even if my child's father no longer wanted me, I should be happy that he wanted to spend time with his child. That is when it shifted. It wasn't about me anymore.

Was he perfect? Umm, no. Far from it. He made tons of mistakes and so did I. Hell, he still isn't perfect and neither am I. But the one thing we've always had in common is that we put our kids first. Always.

So enough of the autobiography, this is my letter to you: Get over it. Being a baby mama/single parent/single mother/fatherless family is hard work. It is tiring work. And often times, it's thankless work. From the emotional hardships to the fiscal ones, being a single parent is hard. So why make it harder?

Yes, there are deadbeat dads in the world. Yes, there are fathers who conceive babies and then seemingly fall off the face of the earth. But this post isn't about that. This post is about dads who want to be involved. Single mom, get over it. I understand. I know, "you loved this man and now he's gone." Or "What about the promises that he made to me?" Or "but it hurts to even look at him." I get it. I've been there. But the Word says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." It's time to grow up. It's not about you any more. It's about your child.

I mean think about it logically:
1. Aren't children better off knowing the love of two parents?
2. Doesn't your child deserve the best foundation you can possibly give them?

Most moms that I know would answer "yes" to both of those questions. So why are you trying to be a wedge between your child and their father. Let me tell you what it is: Selfishness and Pride. Your pride hurts because you have been left behind. And that is giving root to your selfishness. Believe me, that's not a good combination.

So stop, take a moment and do an assessment of your former lover/child's father:
1. Is he a decent person?
2. Does he use drugs?
3. Is he trying to spend time with his kids?
4. If he has other kids, how does he treat them?
5. Would any harm befall your child if he spends time with them?

If all of the answers to the previous questions are positives, then let that man see his kids. It's really that simple.

So if you need a few action steps, here you go:
1. Get some spiritual counseling to help you deal with your feelings of loss over the relationship. Really, go talk to someone. Spend time with God, not praying for your boo to return, but praying that from this moment forward - you can be the parent/person that He wants you to be.
2. Call the father of your child and ask him to meet you at Starbucks so that you can talk about how to be great parents. If your state has it, take a sample parenting plan with you and just work through the sections. Be open and receptive to the father wanting to spend time with the child. Work to achieve a 50/50 balance with the father.
3. If the father has moved on, ask to later meet her. Make sure she is of good character. If you see an issue (drugs, bad parenting skills), bring it to your ex's attention without malice. If there is no issue, then praise GOD that your child is around good people. ***Note: you don't have to like his new boo, but you do have to respect her.
4. Move on. Think about it. Your child is now spending more time with their father. You have something that tons of single parents would love to have - MORE TIME! Take advantage of it. Do some soul searching? Concentrate on yourself. Learn to love again.

Remember: this is about your child. Real mothers, loving mothers, go through the steps because they want their children to have every advantage possible. And you will be rewarded. You are rewarded when you see that report card, when your baby graduates without having had a baby of their own, when your child gets baptized, or when a random adult says "your baby has such good manners." Those are the times when it is all worth it. Those are the times when you get your pat on the back. And that's the moment when you know that you have indeed moved out of the way, so that your child can flourish.