Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Marriage Bed
Married sex is wonderful and awesome if you make it wonderful and awesome and if you keep it wonderful and awesome. It's really that simple.
1. You have to get rid of the head scarf during sex. For real. I know you sat at the beauty shop for four hours and paid good money to get your hair done. I know. But think about it for a second. Close your eyes and think about your secret male fantasy getting ready to seriously make love to you... while wearing black church socks and flip flops. Your male fantasy may be so fine that you overlook the socks a few times, but after looking at those raggedy flip-flops over and over again you'll want to rip those things off his feet. Right? Right! Well, that's how fellas feel about your head scarf. It ain't cute. So take it off, make love, then re-wrap your hair. And if making love totally wrecks your updo, I bet the hubby will be more than happy to shell out the funds to get it re-done.
1. Remember when you first met your wife and you would do the "thing" followed by the "you know" and it would drive her wild? Well, she's bored with it. I know what you are saying, "but she always loved it like that!" She used to love it, but now she's bored. Let me let you in on a little secret - women are fickle. One minute we want a soft caress, the next minute we are hollering expletives that our mothers would be ashamed of. We are definitely chameleons. And we need you to remix your "game plan." So surprise her. If you always do A then B then C.. tonight start with B, pull out a brand new D then go back to A. No one says throw your bag of tricks away... just remix it.
2. (I'm about to get high fives from every husband I know.) Ready? Ladies, you have to have sex more often! (I'm pausing right here because men everywhere are standing up giving me a round of applause.) Sista, you have to be in the mood more than his birthday, anniversary and Dr. King Day. Yes, I know you're busy. Yes, I know the kids are forever calling your name. Yes, I know all of that. But you have to tap into your inner sexy. Think back to when you first met your husband or first got married. You couldn't keep your hands off him. So take a day off from being a wife and mommy. Have the hubs pick up some McDonalds for the kids and drop them off at your mama's house. Let the laundry pile up for a day. Grab a bottle of wine and rekindle that spark. The flames are still there, you just have to stroke the embers.
2. Quit thinking you are going to get the good-good if you haven't helped out around the house. (The ladies have just welcomed me back to the team!) You can not expect anyone to fix dinner, check homework, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, work 50 hours a week, change diapers, braid hair, and break you off all in the same day. You want some loving? Then start engaging in household foreplay. What's that? Oh that is where you do a chore on your wife's to-do list. The scene goes a bit like this -
Man: rubbing on his wife "Baby, I've been thinking about you all day."
Wife: pulling away from hubs, "Boy please. I gotta fix this dinner and lil' Jimmy has soccer practice in a minute. Not to mention I have laundry to do."
Man: Pulling wife back to him, "Don't worry about that.. I already fed Jimmy and he is at Bobby's house. Bobby's mama is taking them to soccer. I picked up dinner for us, and as for the laundry - it's folded and already put away."
Wife: "For real?" Boom bam! She is butt naked and it's on and popping.
3. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Yes, you have to shave the whole leg. Yes, you are going to have to wax there. Yes, you are going to have to invest in sexy lingerie. You need to channel your inner Draya-Trina-Pussycat Doll and work it! Don't stress over it. Buy the Halloween costumes on November 2 and play dress up. Your man will eat it up!
3. Personal grooming matters for your too! Umm-hmmm! If your hangnails will mangle her lower regions, go get a manicure. Shower up and smell nice before coming to bed. No one wants "fresh off the toilet" or work funk all in the bed with them trying to be sexy. And a little lotion won't hurt either. All over lotion - not just your elbows and knees.
4. Learn something new. Take a moment and read a Zane book or two. Try to play "helicopter" with the ceiling fan. Do yoga naked and see what happens. Play twister in bottoms only. Go on a field trip to the Hustler store and each of you buy one thing you want to try. Read The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. Try one of the poses. Keep it lighthearted and fun. Remember, this is your spouse. If you got married at 30 and live to 90, that is 60 years of sex with that one person. The one person that you love more than anyone else on the planet. The one person that can make your toes curl over and over again. So try something different. If you like it, keep it as part of your sexual repertoire. If not, try something new the next night.
Either way you will keep the marriage bed - and the marriage - happy.