What a Difference a Year Makes.. Part 2

Yesterday, I wrote about the day my husband's sons were born. I wrote about the range of emotions that I felt and how ill prepared I was to handle those emotions. Today, I am writing about 365 days later. Today is the boys' birthday. Who would have thought that I would be ordering cake for little ones that I now call my sons? But today that's where I am.

I wish I can say the past year has been an amazingly glorious time of reconciliation and growth. While that statement is true, I have to note that for each step we've taken forward, there have also been some pretty big potholes that we've had to overcome.

Like the fiscal aspect. It goes without saying that kids are expensive. When you are pregnant, you get a baby shower with cake, games, and gifts. These gifts help offset the huge financial hit of having a baby. Well, imagine having TWO babies, years after you've given away all of your oldest kids' baby stuff without a shower. From formula to diapers to clothes to cribs, it's been a tough fiscal year.

Then there is the legal hassle. Call me crazy but I thought that since there are 365 days in a year, one parent would get 182 and the other would get 183. In this age of all sorts of blended families this should be easy, right? Ummm, not so much. This has been a painfully slow, nerve racking process that still isn't over.

An unexpected problem has been the interference from family. We've had the oddest people to totally overstep their boundaries and basically act a fool. For the first few months of the twins' lives, they were not allowed to come to our home. Because of that my husband and I had one rule - no extended family should meet the boys until the immediate family meets the boys. Not because we were hiding anything. Not because we were ashamed of anything. But we as a family unit had to come to terms with this first. We were the ones who were going to be here day in and day out. And we deserved a few moments to define ourselves and unify before we had to deal with anyone else. That went out the window when family - family that we thought would be rallying around us - decided to ignore our wishes. And not just once but repeatedly. So some family have been dropped from our "family circle." If you can't respect my husband as head of our household, and abide by the rules we set for all of our children, then you can no longer darken my door. Harsh? Maybe. But I can not concerned about what extended family thinks when I am fighting for the survival of our family unit.

The question I get asked most often is "how do you and the other woman interact?" I guess in this age of Basketball Wives people expect me to continue the drama. And why write if you aren't going to keep it honest? While I wish I could say that I've been all Joyce Meyer-ish, I've gone "Real Housewives" more than a few times. For the longest time I wanted an apology. I wanted her to look me in my face and admit her wrongdoing in the situation. I wanted her to look past her wants and think about the kids and what's best for them. But alas, we aren't there. And honestly we may never be there. I may never like her - ever. But I do have to respect her as a parent and eventually forgive her - not for her sake but for my own. But for now, we rarely cross paths. It's better that we keep it real church-like. You know "let the Lord watch 'tween us whilst we are apart." And that is a good first step.

And finally, I've embraced my title as mom-mom. Is it made up? Yep. But it's mine. In the past year I've learned that I can love God enough to trust him. I've learned that people really can change. I've seen my daughters show such compassion and care for their brothers. I've learned that forgiveness is real. And I've learned that in just 1 year - just 365 days - that my life can be fuller than I ever imagined. I get to live Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What a Difference a Year Makes..Part 1

A year ago, the phone rang and I received the phone call that I knew was coming but dreaded nonetheless. My husband called to tell me his mistress was in labor. Of course, I knew this day would come. I mean I’m not slow. I knew she was pregnant with twins and that unless she was hit by a bus, chances were she would deliver one day. But as much as I understood that logically. I did not understand that emotionally. But lo and behold, the phone rang. And with the words, “she’s going to the hospital” I knew that my life was changing although I didn’t know if it was for the better or the worse.


I thought I was ready for this day. I thought I had prepared. Our marriage had reconciled and while it had bumpy moments, we were slowly but steadily moving forward. We had a nursery ready to welcome the new additions to our home. But I wasn’t ready. In my mind, the plan went like this. She’d have kids at the hospital. After they arrived, we would travel to go see the babies in the hospital nursery. We would immediately start paperwork for paternity and visitation. And life would continue. That was my plan. But in reality it went something like this. My husband went to the hospital. I stayed home with our daughters and almost drove myself crazy. Big things were happening. Life changing things were happening. Things that directly affected my life were happening and I could do nothing about it. That drove me crazy! I am a do-er. I plan, I execute, I do. Inaction is never an option for me. But in this instance there was nothing useful that I could do. So I cleaned my house. I hung with my daughters. And then I washed all of the baby clothes that friends had given me.


I washed and gingerly folded clothes for a child that didn’t come from me. With each tiny little hanger that I placed in the closet, I wondered what was going on at the hospital? Would my marriage make it through this situation? Would my daughters see this as a form of weakness or a lesson in faith? Would my husband be able commit to being faithful? How would I feel about the babies? How would my children feel? Will my family ever accept the situation? Am I ready to be a parent to babies again? Will this woman ever understand the enormity of what she’s done? Does she finally get it? Will she use the children as pawns? I asked this and a million other questions as the night progressed.


Throughout the night my husband would call me with updates. I wish that I could say that I handled it well. I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding. I wish I could say that. But instead I’m going to tell the truth. I cussed him up one side and down another. After dealing with the affair, after learning of the impending births, after preparing the nursery, we hadn’t emotionally and spiritually prepared for this moment. And all the hurt that I thought I was past, came flooding back in that moment because I knew what it was like to have his child. I knew how special that moment was. I knew that in the moment where your child is brought into the world you look at them and want them to have every advantage under the sun. You want their lives to be free from hardships, especially hardships that you helped to create. And for the first time when my husband felt the emotions of holding a child I wouldn’t be there to share in that moment.


The moment he shared with me was later when he sent me pictures of his sons. As I looked at the images I searched for signs of him in their faces. I asked all the required questions, “What are their names? How big are they? Are they healthy?” I had no emotional connection to them. That wouldn’t come until much later. But I had hope - hope that the storms we had already weathered had made us strong enough to survive this tsunami. And I had faith – faith that all the painful lessons that I learned weren’t in vain. Faith that however this story ended that God would see me through.

SuperWoman

I am a superhero. Not like Clark Kent/Superman or the X-men. And no, I am not delusional like the folks in the movie Kick Ass. I'm a for real bonafide superhero. Don't you see this cape on my back? Really? You can't see it? Hmmm, maybe you need to turn your superhero-vision on. Let me help you.

See I'm a superwoman because I have the ability to transform. I can transform from mom to sex kitten to coworker to community advocate without blinking an eye. And I don't even need a stinking phone booth! That is a superpower, right?

I am a supermom. I can coordinate 4 schedules, attend PTA meetings, make doctor appointments, check homework, email teachers, spank bottoms, give kisses, hem clothes, press hair, and wrap my kids in love everyday. I know you can see the cape now? Right?

I'm a superwoman. I get up with purpose everyday. I've attended grad school, worked 40+hours at one job, and part-time at another. I am actively involved in my community from sorority to community meetings to church to marriage ministry. From pursuing upward mobility at work to word hustling/blogging on the side. And I'm not even cloned! That has to be a superpower!

And let's not forget I am a superwife. I can be a cheerleader for my husband, a place for him to lay his head, a kind word before he faces he day and a kick in the ass when he needs a bit more motivation. I am the one that will always have his back and provide what he needs be it clean laundry, a hot meal, or a willing body. I am the wife that makes him look good! The wife that he is proud to call his. I am a superwife!

I know that cape is visible now! And guess what? I'm not the only superhero walking around. There are lots of women with capes on. So when you see her walking by, give her a smile and a nod. Recognize her "super-ness."

And if you see a sister who's cape is dragging a bit or torn. Stop and give her a hand. Because what good is a superhero if you don't help others?

Fear - How Big Is Your Mountain?

What are you afraid of? Not spiders and snakes and stuff like that. But what are you really afraid of? This morning I had a conversation about fear with a friend. Friend A could not understand why Friend B was so afraid of something "so small." Friend A went on to say that Friend B's fear was "irrational." But it was funny, Friend A is paralyzed with fear in their own life over a situation that seems totally simple to me. They have their own "irrational" fear. Of Course, Friend A can't see that, but it's true. That's when I realized that the very thing you are afraid of can be a mountain or a molehill and that is totally dependant on your fear of it.

I know that the enemy tries to mess with your perception of your fear. My pastor frequently uses the F.E.A.R. acronym - False Evidence Appearing Real. I also know that quite often your breakthrough, the life you want, your purpose and destiny are only reached by conquering that fear.

So this morning, I'm going to encourage both of my friends and get to work on conquering my own mountains. I declare today that I have too much inside of me to let fear stop me!

New Mantra

Blackloveandmarriage.com is a website that I visit daily. Not just because they publish my work (although that is a great reason), but because I love their mantra - "Stop playing, start pushing." I also love the name of their company - B Intentional LLC. I love that! Everything you want can be summed up by that mantra. You want to lose weight? Stop playing, start pushing. You want to go back to college? Stop playing, start pushing. You want to write a book? Stop playing, start pushing. And if you want a happy, healthy marriage? Stop playing, start pushing.

This mantra registers with me because it removes the "woe is me" mentality. It removes "the man is holding me down" mindset. It removes the "I can't" thought process. It moves you from someone is holding me back, to I am pushing forward. It firmly puts the ball in your court. And I love it! Having the ball in my court is stressful and a ton of responsibility, but I trust me (and God) with my plans more than any outside force. Don't you?

I know some people who would rather go passively through life, because they believe that it is easier than taking charge. And I partially understand their point. Being the "captain of my ship" means that when my ship runs aground, that it is my fault. That scares some people. Heck, that scares me. It really does. Failure scares me. But while that fear paralyzes some folks, it spurs me forward. I know that if I want bigger and better for my life and my lineage, then I have to be bigger and better everyday.

So I am going to take the Ma'ats' motto and make it my own... well, with a bit of a remix. Stop playing, start pushing, keep praying.

What People Don't Tell You About Marriage

Forget all the cliches, there are a few things about marriage that married folk don't want you to know. But I am going to lift the veil and show you the truth about marriage.

1. Just because you increase from 1 income to 2 doesn't mean you're balling. Unless you are Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman, chances are the minute you merged incomes you're expenses increased. Why? Because you mistakenly have the mindset of "yea, we can buy it because on paper we make more money." But guess what? It's not so. And don't even think about adding kids to the mix! Tip: Spend the first 3 years of marriage in a 2 bedroom apartment and live off 50-75% of your income and stash the rest in savings. For your first home, buy a duplex. Live in half and rent the other half. Stay there for 2 years. Then buy your dream house and rent out both sides of the duplex. Tada! You've just established generational wealth.

2. There will be times you want to bash your spouses head in. There will literally be days where you will find yourself thinking, "if he/she doesn't shut up talking to me I am going to Ike and Tina his/her ass." At that moment it's best to take a break. Go do something stupid and frivilous. Don't actually knock the shit out of the person no matter how much you think they deserve it. That will get you locked up. So go get your nails done or your hair "did". Do something away from your spouse until you calm down.

3. No one has the power to hurt you like your spouse. When you got married you probably said "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." But what you really said was "I am going to trust you with the innermost part of me. I will share my hopes, dreams, and future with you. All that I am and all that I ever will be is now tied to you. I trust you with me." Pretty weighty stuff, huh? And because you gave yourself to another human being means that one day they will let you down. Why? Sometimes it will be out of malice. Sometimes out of a sheer mistake. Sometimes unwittingly. But because they are a fallible, then 1 day they will make a mistake. That doesn't mean don't give all of yourself to your spouse. But that means that if (when) an infraction occurs, you have to give pause and serious thought to if the damage is irreperable or not. Most infractions can be repaired through serious communication, love, and prayer.

4. Prayer is essential to your marriage. Before I got married I had a passing relationship with God. I mean we were cool. I'd talk to Him at dinner time and when I needed something, but we didn't have a relationship. After I became a mother, all that changed. Now I wanted to be a church goer because I wanted my children to be raised in the church. God and I became closer. And after going through marriage trials I learned that I need God all day, every day. And my marriage and family need God all day every day. Believe me. Trust me. Increase your prayer life before something bad happens. It will save you from a lot of headaches.

5. Sex is important. (Yes, I just went from prayer to sex. It's ok, you're married.) Sex is human touch and it's important. Take it seriously and lightly at the same time. Huh? Taking is seriously means stepping your game up. Why? Let me use an example: I love pizza. But after eating pizza the same way, every day for 10 years. I would probably be fed up with pizza. Are you treating your sex life like the pizza? Same 30 minutes and 2.5 tricks. If so, start stepping your game up. Learn some new tricks. Invest in some lingerie, toys, hotel rooms, and a bit of PDA. Read a book or two on the subject. Keep it hot. Why? Because physical touch is important to rekindling love. But also keep it light. Sex should be fun, not a chore. So try the moves in the Joy of Sex and if you happen to fall of the bed while trying page 36, just laugh it off and jump back on.

6. Priorities change. Sometimes you are activley pursuing your dreams, other times you are sacrificing for your spouse's dreams, and at times you are both working to fulfill your child's wishes. Priorities flucuate. And most of the time you are activily pursuing "D" all of the above. It's exhausting, but necessary. You don't want to ever lose sight of your dreams even if in this moment they are not on the forefront. Keep working on your personal development plan and support your spouse in their development. If not, you will breed resentment.

7. Keep being multifaceted. Don't fall prey to the "I'm a wife/husband now and that's all that I can be." Being a spouse is just 1 of your many titles. If you closed the club down every weekend, then you might not be able to do that anymore, but you could probably swing it once a month. If you played basketball every weekend with the fellas for 5 hours, you really might have to limit it to 2. But keep some sense of who you are. Be multifaceted. As long as your "facets" don't disrespect your marriage, it's ok to be authentically you.