Do You Remember Your Vows?

Sometimes I think that we should watch our marriage videos at least once a week. Why? So that you can remember WHAT you said and WHY you said it. Do me a favor. Close your eyes and think back to your wedding day. You see it? Yes, that's you all dressed up. Your hair is perfect and your honey looks amazing. Everyone is there smiling and happy. That day you were so in love. You were giving your all, promising your all, to God and to your spouse, right?

It's so easy to lose sight of that day. When you lose sight of that day, that feeling, and that moment; that's when you lose sight of that marriage. And that is why marriages fail. Plain and simple. That one thing turns into other things. Being disconnected. Adultry. Annoyance. Hatred. But it all starts when you lose sight of your vows.

And you do remember those vows, don't you? I mean no one twisted your arm, right? That was you standing up there, wasn't it?

Did you say something like this, "For richer or poorer, for better or worse." But I swear I heard this "I will love you. With God's help and direction, I will trust you with all of me. I will protect you from any storm that comes.

Your dreams will be my dreams and together we will blind the world with our love. Whether we live in a shack or a mansion, I will follow you.

I will love you when you are unlovable. Even when I don't like you, I will love you. When you are lost, I will be the beacon that guides you home.

I will develop, pray, and grow into exactly who God wants me to be so that I may be a blessing to you and our children's children. I love you exactly as you are today and promise to love you exactly as you are tomorrow.

And I can promise you this because I know that God made me perfectly designed for you and you for me. Amen."

Isn't that what you heard? That's what I heard. Now it's up to all of us to remember those words and live them daily.

Revenge is best ... Not Served

When my husband was actively cheating on me, there was a reoccurring thought that kept running through my mind - "I'll show him!" It was normally accompanied by some variation of this, "He's gotta be out of his mind. I am fine. I am smart. I am a great catch! This muthaf&*$#@ is tripping! If he can't appreciate me, I know 10 men who would!" Sounds pretty juvenile, doesn't it?

I wish I could say that I stopped there, but I didn't. It was followed by flirting with some peripheral member of my male circle. I would go out with this male friend under the guise of just "kicking it." But while out the mood would be different. Drinks would be poured. Flirting would intensify. My ego would be boosted. Invariably an offer to go home/ "you should be with me"/"we would be great together" would be extended. In that moment I would think, "Wow! See I still got it! Yep, hubs is tripping. It is sooo him and not me. Me and bachelor #2 could be great together. I could divorce hubs' tail in the next 3 months and totally get with Bachelor #2 (or 3 or 4). I won't be lonely or single long. I'm a f&&&ing prize! And Bachelor #2 is cute, has great work ethic and drive, has been married before so he totally gets what it takes to make one fail and to make one work. He's an active dad to his kids. We could be the black Brady Bunch. I should do this. Maybe this is what hubs needs to get his shit together. Maybe if he realizes that other folks are 'sniffing around my skirt' he would act right. Hell, he deserves this. I could sleep with half of the city and he couldn't say shit. I really want to do this and then tell him all about it. I really want to see the look on his face. I really want him to feel all that he's put me through. Then maybe he'd understand. That's what I am going to do!"

But did I do it? Nope. I wanted to act a fool for all the reasons listed above but I didn't. Why? Because while my marriage was already on it's deathbed, I knew that my sleeping with someone else would place the covenant in the cemetery. Honestly, I don't think hubs would have been able to ever see past it. No matter how much dirt he did, the thought of me being with another man made him see red.

I didn't act on my revenge because I still wanted my marriage to work and didn't want to see my husband hurt. My cheating would hurt him. And part of me wanted nothing to do with anything that would hurt him.

This next one is going to sound a bit weird but follow me for a second. I didn't have an affair because I'm strategic and in the back of my mind I knew that if my marriage failed, divorce court would frown upon my actions. I didn't think the blind eye of justice would understand that what I did was in response to what he was doing. I didn't want the adulterer label in my court records.

And finally, I didn't have an affair because I knew it was wrong. Thank God for the presence of the Holy Spirit. As much as my mind could justify the action, my spirit couldn't. I heard this one question loud and clear, "So you are going to go against God trying to get revenge?" The answer was "No, I'm not." I knew that God had been working (and is still working) on me. I knew better. And I didn't want to go back to a spiritual "square one." Working on yourself and bending your will to God's is hard work, and I didn't want to repeat those lessons again. No matter how great a "revenge affair" would have been this was one dish that was best not served.

A Little Fairy Dust

Have you ever noticed that most of my pieces start the same way? With a conversation? Well, this piece is no different. I was having a conversation with a man who was growing increasingly upset with his wife over a myriad of issues. His most poignant statement was "She wants a fairytale and life isn't a damn fairytale." That statement stood out in my mind more than anything else he said. Why? Because as a feminist/womanist/black woman in America and lover of all things Pearl Cleage, I know that I should not expect anyone to ride in on a horse and rescue me. The damsel in distress scenario is played out like cassette tapes. But as a child of the TV generation, I have been inundated with images of love scenes in chick flicks, romantic moments on sitcoms, and of course, Cosby Love. Because of this I do have expectations of Magical Moments.

What exactly is a magical moment? A magical moment is a wonderful event where your spouse/partner/boo does something that not only makes you smile but makes everyone you tell about it smile when you recant what happened in a story over dinner. A magical moment makes your sister circle say, "aww that is so sweet. I wish my man did something like that." A magical moment is just that magical.

Most proposal stories are magical moments. Watch any of the gazillion wedding shows on television. On each one you will see women losing their minds trying to create a magical moment. Magical moments are that important.

Why? Because they give you a reservoir of strength to draw from when the relationship isn't so magical. When he is on your last nerve and you are ready to call an attorney, thinking back on a magical moment can make you pause and try again. When you are running from work to teeball practice to PTA meetings to the second job, recalling a magical moment gives you energy to keep on keeping on.

Magical moments aren't solely appreciated by just one gender. Everyone loves a magical moment. They are just different types of moments. For a woman it might be that time where he surprised her with a special romantic getaway. For a man it might be the time when she surprised him with tickets to his favorite team's big game.

And there are perks for planning a magical moment. Fellas, plan a moment for your wife. Guess what you get? Boom! Bam! A coochie coupon. And wives, plan a moment for your honey. Guess what you get? A trip to Home Depot and the guest bedroom painted. All around a win-win!

No one expects to live out a fairytale but we should expect to visit Neverland from time to time. So spread a little fairy dust around - your marriage will reap the benefits.

The Marriage Bed

If you are married I will assume you know the basics of sex. He takes his ___ and puts it ___ and voila! That is sex. But is it good sex? Not if all you are doing is filling in the blanks.

Married sex is wonderful and awesome if you make it wonderful and awesome and if you keep it wonderful and awesome. It's really that simple.

Wives:
1. You have to get rid of the head scarf during sex. For real. I know you sat at the beauty shop for four hours and paid good money to get your hair done. I know. But think about it for a second. Close your eyes and think about your secret male fantasy getting ready to seriously make love to you... while wearing black church socks and flip flops. Your male fantasy may be so fine that you overlook the socks a few times, but after looking at those raggedy flip-flops over and over again you'll want to rip those things off his feet. Right? Right! Well, that's how fellas feel about your head scarf. It ain't cute. So take it off, make love, then re-wrap your hair. And if making love totally wrecks your updo, I bet the hubby will be more than happy to shell out the funds to get it re-done.

Hubbies:
1. Remember when you first met your wife and you would do the "thing" followed by the "you know" and it would drive her wild? Well, she's bored with it. I know what you are saying, "but she always loved it like that!" She used to love it, but now she's bored. Let me let you in on a little secret - women are fickle. One minute we want a soft caress, the next minute we are hollering expletives that our mothers would be ashamed of. We are definitely chameleons. And we need you to remix your "game plan." So surprise her. If you always do A then B then C.. tonight start with B, pull out a brand new D then go back to A. No one says throw your bag of tricks away... just remix it.

Wives:
2. (I'm about to get high fives from every husband I know.) Ready? Ladies, you have to have sex more often! (I'm pausing right here because men everywhere are standing up giving me a round of applause.) Sista, you have to be in the mood more than his birthday, anniversary and Dr. King Day. Yes, I know you're busy. Yes, I know the kids are forever calling your name. Yes, I know all of that. But you have to tap into your inner sexy. Think back to when you first met your husband or first got married. You couldn't keep your hands off him. So take a day off from being a wife and mommy. Have the hubs pick up some McDonalds for the kids and drop them off at your mama's house. Let the laundry pile up for a day. Grab a bottle of wine and rekindle that spark. The flames are still there, you just have to stroke the embers.

Hubbies:
2. Quit thinking you are going to get the good-good if you haven't helped out around the house. (The ladies have just welcomed me back to the team!) You can not expect anyone to fix dinner, check homework, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, work 50 hours a week, change diapers, braid hair, and break you off all in the same day. You want some loving? Then start engaging in household foreplay. What's that? Oh that is where you do a chore on your wife's to-do list. The scene goes a bit like this -
Man: rubbing on his wife "Baby, I've been thinking about you all day."
Wife: pulling away from hubs, "Boy please. I gotta fix this dinner and lil' Jimmy has soccer practice in a minute. Not to mention I have laundry to do."
Man: Pulling wife back to him, "Don't worry about that.. I already fed Jimmy and he is at Bobby's house. Bobby's mama is taking them to soccer. I picked up dinner for us, and as for the laundry - it's folded and already put away."
Wife: "For real?" Boom bam! She is butt naked and it's on and popping.

Wives:
3. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Yes, you have to shave the whole leg. Yes, you are going to have to wax there. Yes, you are going to have to invest in sexy lingerie. You need to channel your inner Draya-Trina-Pussycat Doll and work it! Don't stress over it. Buy the Halloween costumes on November 2 and play dress up. Your man will eat it up!

Hubbies:
3. Personal grooming matters for your too! Umm-hmmm! If your hangnails will mangle her lower regions, go get a manicure. Shower up and smell nice before coming to bed. No one wants "fresh off the toilet" or work funk all in the bed with them trying to be sexy. And a little lotion won't hurt either. All over lotion - not just your elbows and knees.

Both:
4. Learn something new. Take a moment and read a Zane book or two. Try to play "helicopter" with the ceiling fan. Do yoga naked and see what happens. Play twister in bottoms only. Go on a field trip to the Hustler store and each of you buy one thing you want to try. Read The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. Try one of the poses. Keep it lighthearted and fun. Remember, this is your spouse. If you got married at 30 and live to 90, that is 60 years of sex with that one person. The one person that you love more than anyone else on the planet. The one person that can make your toes curl over and over again. So try something different. If you like it, keep it as part of your sexual repertoire. If not, try something new the next night.

Either way you will keep the marriage bed - and the marriage - happy.

Elevation by Hateration

This has been a tough week. A lot of things have been coming at me from different areas. First, it was the writing (refer the the previous post). Then it was work. By middle of the day today (Wednesday), I was really thinking, "All right, the gloves are coming off.. it's time to just take it to the street." But then I pumped the brakes.. (Well, actually a good friend has been dropping spiritual nuggets all week reminding me to pump the brakes.) But either way, the brakes were pumped and I had to pause and compose myself. Here's why: I can not prevent darts from being thrown my way but I can control my REACTION.

Let's be honest, you get darts thrown at you just for living. Job 14:1 says "Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble." So trouble comes just because you are breathing. But then there is a whole 'nother level of trouble you get when you are trying to live by His purpose! Whoa nelly! The enemy gets real mad then and tries to throw extra haters your way. Even Katt Williams pointed out that haters only hate on the folks who are doing something positive. (Yes, I went from the Word to Katt Williams. You've read my stuff before. You should be used to it! But I digress...)

So the haters were attacking and I had to check myself. Here is what I came up with - first I had to ask myself some questions. Why were the haters getting on my nerves? Did I have on the armor (Ephesians 6:10-18)? And I had to answer honestly, I've been burning the candle at both ends and wasn't prayed up. My armor was in the closet and I was walking around without it.

The next question I had to ask myself was this one: Was there any truth to what they were saying? And the answer was yes - kinda. They have their own perceptions that cloud their view of reality. So in their minds, I had done something that warranted hateration (Thanks MJB for that word!)

Finally, I had to think about my reaction. What would my reaction be? And the answer was to give them a pass. Haters want a reaction. They get their kicks off on getting under your skin. I won't give you the satisfaction. Then I will kill 'em with kindness. Why? It confuses them. Haters don't know what to think when you react in the complete opposite direction of what they think you are going to do. And finally, I'm going to the next level. If you are going to hate, then I might as well make it worth your while. I wouldn't want you to get bored out there hatin'.

So as Bishop Walker - the king of alliteration - would say I'm going to let the hateration be my motivation and stay focused on divine inspiration while I wait on His elevation!

Taking Body Shots

For the past 72 hours, I've been taking body shots. No, not the type of body shot that involves drinking liquor off some strangers belly. I am talking about the world of boxing and the body shots that come from having hard blows hitting you in the stomach. That is the body shot that I am referencing. Why? Because I decided to share my testimony with a nationwide audience. That's why.

I'm not going to go into a back story here, you can google my name if you want the details or just scroll down on the blog. It's all there for you to read. And actually that is how the problem arose. I decided to share my test and resulting testimony with a large audience. And that made some people very angry and very opinionated.

But opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, right? So it's fine. Disagree with me. I don't mind that. As a journalist (that is my full time gig) people disagree with me all the time. I am used to that. But I must say I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of negative energy that came from my latest autobiographical post on blackloveandmarriage.com. The most negative remarks even went as far as to call me a bad mother. That remark had me ready to "vasoline up" but instead I took a break. But now I am back and read to address it.

Here's the deal: As I said before I'm not the poster child for marriage or infidelity. I in no way condemn anyone for choosing to divorce just like I believe no one should condemn me for making my marriage work. I don't know what God told you to do, just like you don't know how He spoke to me. You can choose to discredit my encounter with God if you'd like. I don't have to convince you of anything. You know why? He wasn't talking to you! He was talking to me. And I listened and stepped out on faith.

I share my story not for elevation or to be put on a pedestal. I share my story because:
1. It helps me heal. Writing helps me process and move forward. Publishing means you get to come along for the ride.
2. To show that God is able to repair a marriage. Even a jacked up looks like it's over marriage.
3. To illustrate that in the midst of trials, you can grow and change for the better. (Damascus anyone?)
4. To show that forgiveness is real. God forgives me daily (actually much more often then that - I'm kinda a hot mess) and I am trying to learn to share that forgiveness with others.
5. To give hope to others. If there is another person out there going through a trying situation and hearing the voice of God in the midst of it, I want to let them know that it's ok to trust that voice REGARDLESS of what everyone says.

That's it. That's why I write and publish. Am I looking for praise? Nope. But I will gladly accept prayer.

So for all the people that disagreed (hated on) my post, sorry that I riled you up. But I am just getting started. Your angst does not change my purpose or my pen. I am trying to live my life His way. All I'm trying to hear Him say at the end of my days is "Well Done."