Apologies and Forgiveness

Recently, there has been a scandalous story in the news about a local pastor accused of having an affair with a friend's wife and breaking up their marriage.  This post is not about that.  I am not trying to figure out if there was or wasn't an affair.  This post is about what the ex-husband of the woman said in an interview.  The husband stated that he just wanted the pastor to admit that he was wrong and ask for forgiveness.  This is the part that I not only understood but also made me empathize with him.

Why?  Well, if you've read anything that I've written you know my back story... my marriage history.  (If this is the first piece of mine that you are reading, you should really start here.)  I totally understand feeling wronged and wanting the person that wronged you to feel remorse and apologize.  It is only natural.  When someone hurts you, you want that hurt to be acknowledged and paid for by someone.  But that is where most people get it wrong.  Heck, that is where I got it wrong.  I wanted the mistress to acknowledge wrong doing.  I wanted her to apologize for her part in the situation.   When the apology never came, the task of healing rested solely with me.  If I hinge my forgiveness and subsequent healing on someone else's admission of wrong doing, I might never get healed.  You have to learn to forgive and heal on your own.  Let me say it again... You have to learn to forgive and heal on your own.  It makes sense if you really stop to think about it.  Why would you give someone else control of your healing?  Especially a person who has been deemed untrustworthy to begin with?  Forgiveness isn't easy but it frees you from the pain of the transgression.

And that is what this husband needs to understand.  A lawsuit won't heal his hurt.  A conversation with the aggressor won't erase his pain.  He has to  learn that forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.